Communications: Part Three. Maintaining Communications After Enrollment.

      In the past two blogs we have looked at communication first from the parents’/guardians’ points of view, then from the providers’ points of view. In both instances we emphasized conversations that may need to take place before a child enters a program. This final post in the series is written for parents and providers about continuing to keep communications open after a child is enrolled.

      Out-of-school time programs are different than regular school day activities. The duration of a child’s time spent in a program can range greatly:

• Lilly belongs to scouting group that meets for an hour and a half once every two weeks for several years. 
• Javier has signed up for six two hour art classes. 
• Lucy is participating in a one-time Saturday science activity. 
• Shante is off to a one week sleep-away tennis camp. 
• Harmony attends two hours of an afterschool program every day during the entire school year.
•  D’Shawn is enrolled in day camp eight hours every day through eight weeks of summer vacation. 

     The needs and opportunities for communications may vary enormously in these varied situations. Most schools have systems of communication that include parent-teacher conferences and report cards. They also have handbooks with policies and guidelines for other avenues of communication. Whether or not an out-of-school time program has a formal communication system may depend on the length of the program. For families with typically developing children, the need for regular communication may not seem great. If a child with special needs is joining a program with no formal plan for communication, parents and providers may want to consider how communications will take place.
      In my own personal experiences, both as a parent and as a professional in the out-of-school enrichment community, I find that exchanges of information about a child typically occur at drop off or pick up. For a quick exchange of information, that may work well, but I do advise anyone initiating this conversation to assess whether the time and place are appropriate for what is being said. “D’Shawn says Marco is bullying him” should not be said in front of any other parent. Even “Harmony had a great day today,” may be more of a distraction than a mother with a screaming two year-old twin wrapped about each leg can bear.
      But it is especially important that you establish a mutually convenient, private place and time for more in depth conversations. I suggest that at the onset of a child’s participation in a program, parents and providers discuss what is the best way to communicate, e.g. by phone, e-mail, or at the site. The when and where of the conversation are pragmatic questions that may seem simple to address, but are often overlooked. The whats and the hows can feel harder. Here are some ideas that I have found helpful over the years, both in my parent and provider roles.

 

Draw a Triangle 

Long ago, when I was a classroom teacher having sometimes difficult conversations and with sometimes difficult parents, I developed a mental image that has helped me through tough conversations in varied settings ever since. As we sat down at a table in my classroom, I drew an imaginary triangle in my mind. I pretended that the child was also seated at the table, and that instead of looking at the parents, the parents and I were all looking together at the child. This mental image reminded me that the parents and I were a team with a common concern, creating the best learning situation for a child whom we all cared about. It helped me think in terms of “we” more than “I” and “you.” In a sentence, that can come out as simply as the difference between: “Can you make sure Lilly is ready to start with the rest of the group when she arrives?” and “How can we help her get organized so it’s easier for her to get started when she arrives?” Essentially, the triangle image has reinforced in my mind that parents and providers are a united team, all concerned about the child’s well-being.
 

 Make a Sandwich 

A parent is not eager to hear bad news about her child, nor is an enrichment provider happy to hear criticisms of his program. That’s why I like to sandwich a filling of what needs some work between two slices of what is going great. “I want to you to know Sophia was really engaged in drama today. She actually took on a lead role, and she did great. I would like to see if you have any ideas about how we can help her with transitions [discussion of transition follows]. I’m interested in those ideas. I think they might help. Overall, I think this has been a positive experience for everyone. She seems to be having a good time, and I really am enjoying getting to know her.”
      “Jorge brought his model rocket home yesterday. Wow. I don’t know when I have seen him so enthusiastic. I am a little worried though that he’s getting so excited that he isn’t eating. He seems really hungry when he gets home, and he says he doesn’t have time for snack. That’s a concern, because of his blood sugar. How can we be sure he is getting his snack? I know it’s because he’s just having such a good time. Kids eat when they’re bored, and he sure isn’t that!”
    Not only does this technique double the positives, but it ends and begins the conversation on a good note. This helps participants enter and leave the discussion feeling good about the situation and one another.

 

Be Explorers 

Notice there were a lot of questions in the middle of those “sandwiches.” Sometimes dialogue that invites exploration is less intimidating and more welcoming. Moreover, exploratory questions open up new possibilities in a way that statements may not. Compare these pairs of questions and statements and consider how you would react to hearing each one. “D’Shawn says the other kids are making fun of him.” “How do you see D’Shawn and the other children getting on?” “Javier would do better with separation you would leave more quickly.” “What do you think would happen if I met you at the car instead of your walking in with him?”
     A word of caution, we are talking about exploration, not interrogation. Some questions, especially “why” questions, may seem like accusations. Consider this pairing: “Why does Lilly have to sew her badges on? It’s so hard for her. Why won’t you let her glue them?” “I wonder if Lilly would be less frustrated if she could attach her badges with fabric glue.”

 

Listen. Attentively. 

Sometimes I think the most important, but also the most challenging part of a conversation isn’t expressing oneself, but instead listening to what the other party is saying. Listening fully, attentively, and with all your senses. Listening to tone, not just words. Listening with your eyes for facial expression. Listening with your heart for emotion. Theologian Thich Nhat Hanh calls this process “deep listening”, asserting that we must listen deeply for understanding, and that understanding is the foundation for right action (Thich Nhat Hahn, 2003, Creating True Peace, New York: Free Press). As a parent and a provider, I can attest that it is very hard to know what the right action is. I do know that we want what is right for our children and our programs, and that while sometimes we may not agree on what that is, our chances of taking right actions are increased when we has parents and services providers are exploring our questions together.